Ah, the world of fanfiction; it's an endlessly interesting and terrifying place. The word conjures up ideas like Mary-Sues, poor grammar, two-dimensional characters, ridiculous plots and gratuitous sex everywhere. However, not all fanfics are awful, I have even, in my day, encountered some that are well-written and thoroughly entertaining. I can understand how someone might turn to them in the between-season lull or after a series has ended or how another might write one because an ending has disappointed them or a storyline has gone unresolved. As a Cracked article once showed us, fanfic has been around far longer than one might imagine and before such strict copyright laws were enforced, were a legitimate artistic expression and industry. And the recent explosion of interest in Fifty Shades of Grey across the bored suburbia of America has shown how fanfic can turn from hobby to profit - as long as you change the names. These more positive aspects aside, fanfictions, more often than not, tend to be the expression of wild teenage horniness, middle-aged loneliness, depravity or idiocy. The following are a list of merely five of the worst, weirdest, most hilarious and most disturbing fanfics ever written. Enjoy or, if you have a weak stomach, turn back now.
5. My Immortal: I'm about eighty percent sure that this most famous of fanfic duds is an epic scale and tale of trolling. At least, for the sake of the future of our species, I hope it is. I kind of think a guy I know may have been behind it...but I have no evidence to back this up whatsoever. First posted in 2006 on fanfiction.net by a Tara Gillesbie, aka XXXbloodyrists666XXX, this story soon gained notoriety for it's poor grammar, ridiculous plot, disturbing twisting of the Harry Potter universe, it's Mary-Sue and general hilarious stupidity. The premise of the "plot" is that everyone in Hogwarts have become goths or "preps" and a new character (the Mary-Sue), Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, is introduced with whom everyone falls madly in love. Painful sex scenes and random gigs by bands such as Good Charlotte prevade the text. I admit that I have not, in fact, read the entire thing. Snippets were, frankly, more than enough. I really don't want to devote hours to reading the work which is a startling forty-four chapters long. It's worrying that anyone, troll or otherwise, would sink so much time into this.
To enjoy this you really need to read sections out among friends or listen to dramatic readings on youtube. This is a hilarious...thing...and amused me to no end but good God, forty-four chapters...
BAD RATING: *****
WEIRD RATING: ****
HILARIOUS RATING: *****
DISTURBING RATING: ***
Conclusion: Either the work of a very committed troll or a horny teen with a worrying level of literacy.
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| Besides everything else, Dumbledore CURSES in My Immortal. The fuck? |
4. Agony in Pink: Okay, I'll admit to having read only the teeniest, tiniest snippets of this one. I wish to read no more. If you want to, go ahead. Google and read until your eyes bleed. And bleed they will. First appearing in 1994, this fic is based on the premise of the original Pink Power Ranger being tortured by a monster named "Tortura." Charming. This worries me. Who writes these things? Who reads it for enjoyment? It's similar to torture films labelled as "horror". That's not a scary movie; it's just the workings of a sick mind. I will never understand these films or the appeal of them. I especially find Agony in Pink upsetting as me and my little sister used to fight over being her every time we played Power Rangers. That's a whole bunch of childhood memories ruined.
BAD RATING: *****
WEIRD RATING: *****
HILARIOUS RATING: N/A
DISTURBING RATING: ***** (Times a million)
Conclusion: Whoever wrote this should be arrested. Immediately.
3. First Encounter: Here's another Harry Potter fanfic gone very, very bad. It seems the Harry Potter fandom, in particular, inspires some of the most depraved and random fanfictions ever conceived. The reason this one's so weird? The pairing: the building of Hogwarts and a squid. I imagine you're saying, "What??!! Seriously? Why?!!" right about now. I don't blame you, my friend, not one little bit. This one makes zero sense to me but then, as Channel Four (that bastion of knowledge) has shown us, some people have really freaking bizarre kinks.
I recommend reading this one, folks. It's not long and you kinda have to see it to believe it.
BAD RATING: ***
WEIRD RATING: ***** (Times a million)
HILARIOUS RATING: **
DISTURBING RATING: ****
Conclusion: Either someone else trolling or a really kinky weirdo with an amazing imagination; I mean, WHO would watch HP and think, "Damn, you know what'd be hot? If Hogwarts and a squid got it on. Yeaahhhh."
2. Yakko and Dot's Weekend: Okay, you freaks out there, back the fuck off of my childhood! WHY MUST YOU PEOPLE RUIN THE THINGS I LOVE?! Animaniacs was one of my favourite shows as a child and, looking back, it often played up jokes and references more suitable to adults. That does not, however, mean that someone should go and write an erotic fanfiction about cartoon animals, or whatever the hell they were, having incestuous relations. WHAT PART OF THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA? I found this one a few years ago when my boyfriend and I were bored and laughing at bad fanfics. We stopped laughing when we found this one. There may have been some retching instead. I did not go and find a link to the actual story as going through that once was enough so I've linked to Fanfiction Friday's entry on it. They give snippets so you'll get the awful, depraved gist. UGH.
BAD RATING: *****
WEIRD RATING: *****
HILARIOUS RATING: N/A
DISTURBING RATING: ***** (Times a lot, not quite as bad as Agony but still pretty sick)
Conclusion: Probably not a troll as this is not the only Animaniacs erotic fanfic. There aren't really words. JUST: WHY?!!!
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| They're animals as well as siblings for Christ's sake! |
1. M-Preg fanfic: This one's a more general example rather than a specific story. The basic idea is a fanfic where two men are lovers (despite their canon orientation) and somehow (more often than not there is no explanation at all) one of them becomes pregnant. I see a lot of these for Morgan and Reid of Criminal Minds. I don't get this. At all. Who writes them? I doubt it's gay men. Teenage girls with a confused understanding of biology? Who knows. This genre of fanfic is one of the great mysteries in life. Up there with: whatever happened to Amelia Earhart? What is the appeal of this? How does it work? So many questions, so few answers.
BAD RATING: ***
WEIRD RATING: *****
HILARIOUS RATING: **
DISTURBING RATING: ***
Conclusion: ????
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| I'm sorry to do this to you, Amelia, you're better than the horror of these fanfics. |
So there you have it, the product of years of my being an uber-nerd. I hope you had some laughs and are not too scarred. Please don't sue me.
Also note that these aren't really in any order, I just wrote them down as the came to me.
Seriously, don't blame me.
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