Why I feel the need for two blogs.

Because I can, bitches.

Also, I wanted to keep my other blog (http://wide-eyedandblind.blogspot.ie/) devoted purely to fashion. As that site is largely visual and this is more traditional, article based pieces I felt that the two did not necessarily go together. I also feel that this gives me scope to cover a wide spectrum of my interests. The fashion blog is a more serious affair and only makes brief mention of my other interests besides fashion when they relate to how I've dressed or inspiration.

Hope you enjoy this blog and its more tongue-in-cheek subject-matter! x

Five of the Worst, Weirdest, Most Hilarious and Most Disturbing Fanfictions.

Ah, the world of fanfiction; it's an endlessly interesting and terrifying place. The word conjures up ideas like Mary-Sues, poor grammar, two-dimensional characters, ridiculous plots and gratuitous sex everywhere. However, not all fanfics are awful, I have even, in my day, encountered some that are well-written and thoroughly entertaining. I can understand how someone might turn to them in the between-season lull or after a series has ended or how another might write one because an ending has disappointed them or a storyline has gone unresolved. As a Cracked article once showed us, fanfic has been around far longer than one might imagine and before such strict copyright laws were enforced, were a legitimate artistic expression and industry. And the recent explosion of interest in Fifty Shades of Grey across the bored suburbia of America has shown how fanfic can turn from hobby to profit - as long as you change the names. These more positive aspects aside, fanfictions, more often than not, tend to be the expression of wild teenage horniness, middle-aged loneliness, depravity or idiocy. The following are a list of merely five of the worst, weirdest, most hilarious and most disturbing fanfics ever written. Enjoy or, if you have a weak stomach, turn back now. 

5. My Immortal: I'm about eighty percent sure that this most famous of fanfic duds is an epic scale and tale of trolling. At least, for the sake of the future of our species, I hope it is. I kind of think a guy I know may have been behind it...but I have no evidence to back this up whatsoever. First posted in 2006 on fanfiction.net by a Tara Gillesbie, aka XXXbloodyrists666XXX, this story soon gained notoriety for it's poor grammar, ridiculous plot, disturbing twisting of the Harry Potter universe, it's Mary-Sue and general hilarious stupidity. The premise of the "plot" is that everyone in Hogwarts have become goths or "preps" and a new character (the Mary-Sue), Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, is introduced with whom everyone falls madly in love. Painful sex scenes and random gigs by bands such as Good Charlotte prevade the text. I admit that I have not, in fact, read the entire thing. Snippets were, frankly, more than enough. I really don't want to devote hours to reading the work which is a startling forty-four chapters long. It's worrying that anyone, troll or otherwise, would sink so much time into this. 

To enjoy this you really need to read sections out among friends or listen to dramatic readings on youtube. This is a hilarious...thing...and amused me to no end but good God, forty-four chapters...

BAD RATING: *****

WEIRD RATING: ****

HILARIOUS RATING: *****

DISTURBING RATING: ***

Conclusion: Either the work of a very committed troll or a horny teen with a worrying level of literacy.

Besides everything else, Dumbledore CURSES in My Immortal. The fuck?

4. Agony in Pink: Okay, I'll admit to having read only the teeniest, tiniest snippets of this one. I wish to read no more. If you want to, go ahead. Google and read until your eyes bleed. And bleed they will. First appearing in 1994, this fic is based on the premise of the original Pink Power Ranger being tortured by a monster named "Tortura." Charming. This worries me. Who writes these things? Who reads it for enjoyment? It's similar to torture films labelled as "horror". That's not a scary movie; it's just the workings of a sick mind. I will never understand these films or the appeal of them. I especially find Agony in Pink upsetting as me and my little sister used to fight over being her every time we played Power Rangers. That's a whole bunch of childhood memories ruined. 

BAD RATING: *****

WEIRD RATING: *****

HILARIOUS RATING: N/A

DISTURBING RATING: ***** (Times a million)

Conclusion: Whoever wrote this should be arrested. Immediately.

3. First Encounter: Here's another Harry Potter fanfic gone very, very bad. It seems the Harry Potter fandom, in particular, inspires some of the most depraved and random fanfictions ever conceived. The reason this one's so weird? The pairing: the building of Hogwarts and a squid. I imagine you're saying, "What??!! Seriously? Why?!!" right about now. I don't blame you, my friend, not one little bit. This one makes zero sense to me but then, as Channel Four (that bastion of knowledge) has shown us, some people have really freaking bizarre kinks.

I recommend reading this one, folks. It's not long and you kinda have to see it to believe it. 

BAD RATING: ***

WEIRD RATING: ***** (Times a million)

HILARIOUS RATING: **

DISTURBING RATING: ****

Conclusion: Either someone else trolling or a really kinky weirdo with an amazing imagination; I mean, WHO would watch HP and think, "Damn, you know what'd be hot? If Hogwarts and a squid got it on. Yeaahhhh."

2. Yakko and Dot's Weekend:  Okay, you freaks out there, back the fuck off of my childhood! WHY MUST YOU PEOPLE RUIN THE THINGS I LOVE?! Animaniacs was one of my favourite shows as a child and, looking back, it often played up jokes and references more suitable to adults. That does not, however, mean that someone should go and write an erotic fanfiction about cartoon animals, or whatever the hell they were, having incestuous relations. WHAT PART OF THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA? I found this one a few years ago when my boyfriend and I were bored and laughing at bad fanfics. We stopped laughing when we found this one. There may have been some retching instead. I did not go and find a link to the actual story as going through that once was enough so I've linked to Fanfiction Friday's entry on it. They give snippets so you'll get the awful, depraved gist. UGH.

BAD RATING: *****

WEIRD RATING: *****

HILARIOUS RATING: N/A

DISTURBING RATING: ***** (Times a lot, not quite as bad as Agony but still pretty sick)

Conclusion: Probably not a troll as this is not the only Animaniacs erotic fanfic. There aren't really words. JUST: WHY?!!!

They're animals as well as siblings for Christ's sake!

1. M-Preg fanfic: This one's a more general example rather than a specific story. The basic idea is a fanfic where two men are lovers (despite their canon orientation) and somehow (more often than not there is no explanation at all) one of them becomes pregnant. I see a lot of these for Morgan and Reid of Criminal Minds. I don't get this. At all. Who writes them? I doubt it's gay men. Teenage girls with a confused understanding of biology? Who knows. This genre of fanfic is one of the great mysteries in life. Up there with: whatever happened to Amelia Earhart? What is the appeal of this? How does it work? So many questions, so few answers.

BAD RATING: ***

WEIRD RATING: *****

HILARIOUS RATING: **

DISTURBING RATING: ***

Conclusion: ????

I'm sorry to do this to you, Amelia, you're better than the horror of these fanfics.

So there you have it, the product of years of my being an uber-nerd. I hope you had some laughs and are not too scarred. Please don't sue me. 

Also note that these aren't really in any order, I just wrote them down as the came to me.

Seriously, don't blame me.

10 Things that Prove that Short and Sweet is Definitely a Good Thing.

Height is an obsession of my flatmate's. She is nearly always exactly right when guessing a person's height just from a glance. Before meeting her, I kinda knew I was short but I've never felt that way. People often think I'm taller than I actually am because my limbs are quite long and I guess I have a big personality. However, older men often see the height, the baby-face and my gender and refuse to treat me like and adult or take me seriously. I used to let this annoy me but then I thought, “Hey, let this be motivation. If people are going to underestimate you, surprise them.” It's always amusing to shove some big hairy guy at a gig who's being a dick and getting in my personal space way more than is necessary and see the look of shock on his face when he realises just who it was that knocked him to the ground...and being small makes getaways all the easier. Aside from all this, there are many things that prove that bigger is not always better. Here are just ten of those things:



X. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog: Joss Whedon is a god among men. Buffy is one of my all-time favourite shows. Heck, it is my all-time favourite show. One of my most beloved episodes is Once More With Feeling, the musical episode from Season Six. (The Mustard is perhaps my favourite song from said episode and, at under twenty seconds, is minute comedy gold that is also another example of short and sweet) Dr. Horrible, made as a miniseries of three parts in 2008, was made on a shoestring budget with two of Joss' brothers. The cast is amazing (Nathan Fillion, Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day), the songs are catchy and hilarious and the plot is wonderfully charming and unclichéd. Coming in at forty-three minutes long it proves that you don't need hours of film or a massive budget to tell a great story. I really can't recommend watching this highly enough and, as a bonus, you can watch the whole thing free online.

IX. Moon River: This song is the first of three in my countdown. It's one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard; simple, almost minimalist, and so very sweet. It's a song that has been covered many, many times so you'll find lots of versions if you look but they're nearly all great. I personally prefer Audrey Hepburn's original version from Breakfast at Tiffany's and The Honey Trees' cover. At just under two minutes, it is one of those songs that is all the more beautiful because of its restraint. You wish it were a million verses longer but are, at the same time, glad that it is as short as it is. It remained perfect and leaves you wanting more, rather than becoming long or self-indulgent. Certain bands with songs that go on for half an hour at a time could learn a thing or two here.

VIII. Anime: This is a less specific example. While anime series are often quite long in of themselves, each episode is only around twenty minutes long. This does lead to serious binging as you can watch a whole season easily in a day but it is impressive that Japanese story tellers are able to continue to tell individual stories in each episode, while weaving in series archs and character development or background stories, in an era where many Western tv shows are now often an hour (or more) long. Nobody likes people with overly long-winded stories, Hollywood.

VII. "To Electra": One of my favourite poems ever written says so much in two verses; there's longing, patience, unrequited love, pure love, adoration and so much more. With love poetry, simple is often better. You can rant on for hours about your love for someone but to be able to say it in a few lines is so much more skillful. I also find overly long poems rather annoying; surely that defeats the purpose of writing a poem? Why not write a long, dusty novel instead? I particularly love the metre and rhyming scheme of Herrick's poem; it is also simple, fresh and, because it's lack of unnecessary ornamentation, all the clearer and more striking.

VI. Stardust: Stardust and the Sandman series are my favourite works by Gaiman. If you've seen the movie of the same name; forget everything you think you know about the story. The basic plot remains the same but the book is delightfully dark and adult in comparison. It's also refreshing to read a fantasy novel that  isn't three million pages long. This is the main reason that the genre has left me so disillusioned. We get it, you're trying to create a world, a universe. That's great. Admirable. But really, we chose to read a book. Let us use our imaginations a bit. Don't be such needy sluts who are just giving it all up right away. I'm looking at you, George R. R. Martin. (I kid, I kid, I love the guy! Don't kill me, uber-nerds!)

V. Ramones' sets: You gotta love their energy. Being able to play an entire set/record in half an hour is impressive, especially when they played songs even faster than they had been written.

IV. A Clockwork Orange: I don't really know what it says about me that this is one of my favourite books. I love my edition; it's a colour I like to call "seventies orange" and is actually from the seventies. My boyfriend bought it for me and it's one of the things I treasure most in the world. I've read it more times than I can count and I'm still not quite sure why I love it so much. It's probably the prose. Burgess is never again so vivid or on-the-ball with his language for me. Aside from that, it's interesting and unexpected and just a really good read. The movie doesn't do its complexity justice.

III. Harsh Realm: Widowspeak is one of the best bands of the last couple years, in my humble opinion. They're just so loaded with atmosphere. So distinctive. So moody. So darkly beautiful. This song, is under three minutes long and, like Moon River, and the next entry, is one of those songs that you wish were longer. It requires being put on repeat for hours. Ah, it's like teen angst in a song. Wonderful.

II. Raining in Darling: Despite being only recently turned to Will Oldham (or Bonnie "Prince" Billy), I can safely say that this is now one of my favourite songs. It's one of the most achingly beautiful things I've ever heard; the sound and the content. That last line of uncertainty, of wavering and worry, "I know you do", like a man trying to convince himself, is so wonderfully human and touching.

I. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I mean the character, not the show, here. While I love the show, you couldn't really call it either short or small; after seven seasons it continues in comic-book form and is in no way small with a massive cult following. Buffy is small, unassuming and pretty and yet will kick your ass and all the asses of your demon friends too. She'll be funny about it as well. She has been, and remains, my idol and a major crush since I was about ten years of age. Never change, Buffy, you're awesome. Thanks for teaching me about feminism and killing monsters and stuff.

There you have it; undeniable, certifiable, scientific proof that some of the best things come in small packages.